Drunk girl please

Girl crying outside KFC at 3am.

Girl please. 

Stop your crying girl.

I want some fucking chicken.

Shit that fashion bloggers say .1

We all know fashion bloggers say some pretty shit shit. 

Shit like...

"It just makes me cringe when people can't pronounce the designers they wear.

#couture #style #fashion #Ilovemyownanus"

Fashion blogger girl please. 

I can pronounce the designer I wear.

He's called George and he's at Asda. And he makes some pretty fucking good shit.

So pronounce this fashion blogger girl please.

I WILL END YOU.-

Hipster please, no one cares

North London hipster boy says,

"I had to go south of the river the other day, yuck. 

That's why I grew this pile of hair on the top of my head longer than the rest. I comb it down over my face when I don't want to be recognised."

Boy who wears girl's jeans please. 

You will be south of the river in a very different way soon if you don't BE.HAVE.

I will end you.

You couldn't make this shit up

I heard a girl on the phone today as I was buying three 200g bars of dairy milk.

She said to the mystery caller, 

"You know, I don't actually even like chocolate."

Girl please.

I mean seriously. What kind of twisted sick shit is that?

LFW #fashion #shutupho

I overheard two girls talking on the tube the other day.

Shit_Girl_1: "Deciding what to wear for London Fashion Week was LITERALLY the most stressful thing I have ever experienced."

Shit_Girl_2: "Ya. #fashion #sartorial #bestrongtobestylish

Shit_Girl_1: "You're so right. Thank God I have your hashtags to keep me sane."

I thought to myself. Girl please. I WILL END YOU.

As I heard the train coming I played 'Saved ya life'* with Shit_Girl_1.

Safe to say London Fashion Week was no longer the most stressful thing she had ever experienced anymore.

Silly ho.

* 'Saved ya life' is a great game, which has on average a 99.5% survival rate.

instructions to play:

1/ Identify target on edge of train track/high bridge/mountain top, etc.

2/ Pretend to push said target off of train track/high bridge/mountain top, etc.

3/ Just as target begins to see their life flash before their eyes, grab their arm, pull them back and shout "SAVED YA LIFE." Continue to laugh and laugh as they come to terms with their own mortality.

Note: If timed perfectly, and you grab target back as their life has JUST begun flashing before their eyes, then it is possible to scar target with the image of their baby self being pushed through their mother's vajayjay. That is what happened to Shit_Girl_1. Poor shit bitch.

Life ain't vintage bitches

I killed a girl today. 

It was an accident, I swear. 

It was one of those Instagram girls. You know the ones. Their photos are only ever in sepia, and they wear sunglasses to bed. 

Anyway. It was raining. I had forgotten my mac-in-a-sac so I was mad, and I saw this girl with her sunglasses on, pouting for a 'selfie'.

I went up to her and I said "Girl, I WILL END YOU.'

I grabbed her phone, and her sunglasses too. 

She saw the world, and it was bright. It killed the poor ho.

So Instagram girls beware. Life ain't vintage bitches.

SOMEONE CALL THE RSPCA

My neighbour is one of those fashion girls who thinks she is a Delevigne.

She keeps on staring at my cat.

Yesterday I knocked on her door and said...

"Girl please. I've seen you staring at my cat. 

You use my cat to make your eyebrow wigs

And I WILL END YOU."